The only time I ever won a race

was in 1964 when I was 10 years old .

Our primary school (Yarraville West Primary) did the usual thing; they made us run a cross-country race each Friday afternoon. I suspect it filled in time for the teachers. One week I and another kid came last. I'm going to venture into non politically correct territory. The other kid was fat!

So the following week they gave me and the fat kid a 5 minute start. I came first that week, for the first and last time ever. The fat kid came last again.

I won't deny that I felt a certain sense of pride at seeing my name at the top of the list on the following Monday.

But do you want the truth? Can you handle the truth?

The reason I won is because on that afternoon, maybe a thousand yards from the end of the race, I looked over my shoulder and what I saw was a few yobs running after me. I didn't recognise one of them and I thought they were after me to beat the crap out of me - so I ran.

I've never admitted this before; you are privileged.